I’ve been in “long term relationships” in the past, but they always started to break down at around the 18 month mark, and by 2 years, the relationship was over. Then I’d be single for a couple of months, before starting the next relationship, and the cycle would repeat itself. Looking back, I know exactly what the problem was and why my relationships were so unhealthy, and that was because I was scared of being alone.
I’ve been with The Boss now for a little over 2 years, and R a little under 2 years, and though we have had our ups and downs we are all still going stronger than ever. I put a big part of this down to the fact that I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met them. I was more than happy being single, and having a few close friends that I played with, I didn’t feel like I needed a Dom to complete me, or look after me, or anything like that. I was growing as a strong, independant person, and meeting The Boss and R, I didn’t need them to complete my life, but to enrich what was already a pretty damned good life. I didn’t have to make comprimises to fit in with a relationship because I was so desperate to be in a relationship. I am myself and that’s what they love about me.
The Boss, R and The Crazy Lady all encourage me in my goals and aims, as well as supporting me through the rough times (and putting up with barely seeing me through the busy times). They dont want to chage me, unless I want to change and that is an important thing in a relationship. I have grown so much in the past 2 years, and I couldn’t have done half of what I’ve acheived without their love and support.
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I should be getting on with editing at the moment, but I’ve had a load of stuff going round my head since my shoot on Sunday that I wanted to get down.
Most of the time when I’m playing with The Boss, we play with the sort of pain I like in the areas I like – the sort of pain I can directly eroticise, and I’m allowed a fair amount of feedback if something isn’t working for me, or I can make suggestions for what I’d like next, and all in all, probably do more topping from the bottom than I’d like to admit to. I think there are many reasons behind this, and they all add up. Firstly, I tend not to be submissive in play. I’m a masochist yes, but I’m fussy!! I’m also a control freak day to day, and I do find it difficult to let go of that control in play. But also, it’s easy and safe to play this way.
I’m scared of playing in a way I’m not in control of, which is totally crazy, because when I do play that way, I do enjoy it. I enjoy the fear, the not knowing, the feeling that I just have to get through and endure. I played this way for the first time in a long time on Sunday, on a shoot for Nimue’s World. It was my first shoot with a new Top, and though we had discussed limits and a vague outline of what was going to happen in the scene, I didn’t really know what to expect. As it turns out, what I got was a reminder that I can give up control in play, that I can be forced to take the sort of pain I wont request. That I can go to that helpless place where I just become a toy, where I can take the pain that overwhelms me, doesn’t allow me time to process it, that just builds and builds.
It was definately a wake up call to me, it made me realise what I’ve been missing out on because of my own fears and insecurities.
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