Why One Ring Cannot Rule Them All

by Nimue on December 30, 2013

So, over on fetlife there has been some interesting discussions going on around appropriate behaviour when wanting to play with someone when out at a club.  The three posts were titled ”Why I will never ask your Dom for permission” (the post that started it all, and has since been deleted), “Why I will always ask your Dom for permission”, and “Your Kink Is Not My Community Standard”.

All three threads have some interesting points, and I have been thinking about where I stand on these matters.

The first post basically stated that the writer would not play with someone where he had to ask that person’s dominant partner for permission to play.  And I can understand where he was coming from.  I agreed with some of his points (that permission for sub b to play should be discussed between sub b and Dom A, without the need for anyone else to be involved in the discussion), but disagreed with others (ie, just because you’re asking Dom A to play with their submissive b, doesn’t put you in a position of being submissive to Dom A)

The second post stated that it is polite to enquire of the person you’re looking to play with, if you are required to seek permission of their dominant, or other partner before you play.  And that this is just general good manners.

The third post talked about how problematic either of the above approaches can be.  Just because we are all “kinky”, doesn’t mean that we are all in D/s or M/s relationships, and doesn’t mean that you can assume that people are in that type of a relationship, or what role they play in that relationship.

I don’t think that there is a correct answer to this, beyond talk to the person you want to play with and find out if they are in a relationship and if they need you to talk to their partners before playing.

In a D/s relationship, it is entirely reasonable for a submissive to require permission from their Dom before playing with others. It’s also entirely reasonable that if we are out at a club, people don’t assume that just because they see me bottoming to The Boss, they have to ask his permission to play with me.  If you ask me directly, I can tell you whether this is an evening where we have agreed that I am entirely focussed on him, or if this is an evening where we have agreed that I’m allowed to wonder, and if so, what conditions there are on that wondering!  I can even tell you if I feel like playing, and most importantly, if I feel like playing with you.  Those last two things are things he cannot tell you. And those last two things are very important to the one big thing that you’ll need to be able to play with me….. my consent.

I know there are submissives and slaves who are in dynamics where they have given up any right to have any say in who plays with them, and in what ways and that is a valid relationship choice.  But someone who is in that dynamic will be able to tell you that is the case, and can direct you to their owner to talk more about playing with them.

I guess what my ramblings come down to is the fact that no one is ever going to be happy, as we have two opposing relationship/permission styles going on.  But approaching the submissive/bottom you want to play with and allowing them to tell you what needs to be done to allow that to happen, seems to me, the best approach to avoid pissing anyone off by making assumptions.  And accept, that just because you run your relationship one way, doesn’t mean that everyone else does, and don’t expect the rest of the world to tailor their interactions around you.



by Nimue on December 3, 2013

I’ve totally got out of the habit of writing here this year, haven’t I?  I’m not quite sure why, other than the fact that life has been going through a lot of changes over the past 12 months, and I haven’t been ready to share it all.  I’m still not quite ready to share all of it, but I hope I will be able to, in time.

One of the biggest changes of the past 12 months, is R having moved to a different city to me.  It was something she’d been wanting to do for quite some time, but it’s meant that our relationship has been a long distance one since the beginning of the year.  But that’s not for too much longer.  We’re currently waiting to hear if we’ve got the house we wanted, and if we do (which is looking VERY likely right now,) we’ll be moving in a couple of weeks time.  Moving in together!  It’s really exciting and feels like a good step forwards.  My relationship with R has been possibly the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, and finally moving in together feels like the right step for us now.

When I’ve moved in with partners in the past, it’s always been in a rush, a mix of circumstances meaning that our relationships were only months old when we moved in together (or actually, I moved into their house), and unsurprisingly, none of these relationships lasted in the long term.  Hell, they weren’t even all that good in the short term, but I can’t go back now and change the choices I made then. This time is different.  R and I have been together nearly 4 years (wow, I can’t believe it’s actually been that long!).  We have picked a house together which we are going to make OURS.  For us, this was a very important distinction.  Moving her into my place never felt like an option.  There’s a certain power imbalance in moving into someone else’s house.  No matter how much they want you there, there’s always the feeling that it’s *theirs*.  This is the house they picked, they’ve arranged it how they want, they have to get rid of stuff or rearrange stuff for you to fit in.

This wasn’t something we wanted.  We wanted somewhere we could pick together.  Somewhere we work together to make the house work for us, we fit our stuff into the available space, no one has to make space in their lives for someone else’s stuff.  We will both have our own space (a bedroom and an office each) that we can use how we want, but the shared space will be spared.  I am really very excited, though a little nervous and scared about it though!!

But right now, we’re in limbo, waiting to hear, waiting to pack me up and move me across the country again.

My thoughts on my website are currently in limbo, I have exciting plans going forwards, but there’s still a lot of work to do before I can begin formalising what’s going on there.

My relationship with The Boss is currently in limbo.  We are still finding our ways in the new dynamic we have since our split last year, and on top of that, our relationship is about to become a long distance one again.

I’m not actually in limbo, I guess.  There’s just so much change going on around me at the moment, and I don’t deal well with change!  I could deal with each of the above things on their own, but all together, they feel a bit overwhelming, if I’m honest.  But the move and the site are short term things which should be resolved in a month or so, and my relationship with The Boss will evolve as is natural for us over time.  There’s nothing to worry about.  I just need to get my head down and get on with stuff!!

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