Sometimes play doesn’t always go as you’d like it to. That’s what happened when W and I tried to play a couple of weeks ago. We were both in the mood to play, I was in a playful mood and I knew I was going to get a spanking. Messing around and teasing, kneeling on the bed, wriggling my bum at him, I was feeling good. When He started spanking me, it felt good and I was enjoying it. But then it started hurting in a way I couldn’t process. My reaction in this sort of situation is to try and move away, but I was pinned down, so I started getting angry. Needless to say, things came to quite an abrupt stop very soon after that.
I dont like the feeling of not being able to take what W wants to do, and I felt really pathetic at not being able to handle a spanking. A simple spanking freaked me out. That made me even more angry with myself and I just curled up and cried in W’s arms for a little while. As the tears dried up, I started talking. Not making much sense, but just stream of concioussness type talking. I’m not used to feeling out of control and helpless. Day to day, I am submissive, but in play I struggle with it. In play I’m a masochist. I want things how i want them, and i want to be in control of what’s happening.
I wish I could say that since that realisation, it’s all changed and I am enjoying being helpless and vulnerable in play. But I can’t say that. It’s going to be a long process to get to that point, i think.
Maybe i’ve just shattered some people’s illusions of me, but you came here wanting an insight into the real Nimue, and that’s what you’re getting.
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One thing I’ve realised as I’ve got older is that the perfect model that you have in your mind, which seems so easy to adhere to in your younger years, is more elusive as you develop, and you gradually become aware that the reality of events frequently deviates away from the straight line of high expectation. That said, you still end up somewhere in the general direction you were heading.
You just the same girl i have known all these years , and no you are still fine in my book , takes a lot to be that honest